The Long Haul

My feeling is that for those parents who lost children five or more years ago, the mantle of grief becomes less and less identifiable to the outside world. The startling eye-blinking brilliance of our grief, the palpable force-field of the initial shock and pain that defined and announced our presence to others in those early months dims. But the truth is, the less we are recognized as bereaved parents by others, the more strongly we are becoming identified with the changes that have occurred as a direct result of our unthinkable loss. This is confusing. We may appear to be "back to normal," "recovered," "adjusted." Nothing could be further from our inner realities than this rather casual assumption.

I wrote the following email to Ann Finkbeiner, author of After the Death of a Child, because I wanted to thank her for her willingness to explore a subject few are brave enough to face--lifelong grief; grief that may be considered "manageable" in the simplest sense, but endless nevertheless. It feels to me that the assumptions of others demand we disguise our long-term emotions in exchange for the trappings of social exchange and acceptable behavior, something I admit to doing, but about which I am always angry. I appreciate her efforts to reveal an inner domain too many are too willing to ignore.

I apologize for the intrusion. I am reading your book, After the Death of a Child, and only wanted to take a moment to let you know that your interviews with bereaved parents, though conducted more than 15 years ago, remain some of the only contributions to grief literature that address the truth of the experience.

You probably still receive emails from parents and possibly professionals in the field of grief support commending you on your work. I did not know you were a Science writer when I tried to find out more about you online, and I am making the assumption, based on your published work, that it was the only material on parental grief you published. I wonder if it is not the most powerful in terms of its effect on so many who lose children and seek the support and knowledge that others further along can provide.

Though perhaps not vetted scientifically or peer reviewed, I believe it is seminal in the field of parental grief. And it is most especially relevant for parents who have lost older children. For a catastrophic event that occurs as often as anything else occurs in nature, the deep levels of collective cultural denial and avoidance are stunning in their scope. We are, those of us who have lost our older children, pariahs. Of this I am convinced. And though your kind explanations of why this happens are forgiving and generous, the fact remains that we are cast out in such a profound manner so as to threaten our continued existence. This, in addition to the guilt we ourselves feel, is more than enough to render even the strongest among us defenseless and more than vulnerable to defeat. I am sure, given the loss of your own beautiful son, that you understand.

She responded with a very kind email. And she does understand.